Why Are Dildos Suddenly Everywhere in Portland?

Authorities in charge of supplying electricity to Portland, Ore., tell Reuters that hundreds of dildos hanging from power lines pose absolutely no danger to the public.

Now come the questions: Hundreds of dildos hanging from power lines? Why? Who put them there? And where will they turn up next? And why?

Worry not. We've got your back. Because we know this might be your first time, and yes, it's a handful.

As the dozens of rubber dicks dotted the skies over Portland, pictures of the pandemic of plastic penises perched on power pole lines popped up online. Gawker posted some from Twitter, one declaring, “Portland, Oregon is on a high dildo alert.”

Another tweet, perhaps from an exasperated parent:

The sex toys turned up in pairs, reports Reuters: white and bright orange, large in size, strung together in pairs. In other words, not how they are generally found in the wild.

The Oregonian, which headlined its coverage, “Sex toys found hanging from Portland power lines. Yes, really,” found a spokesperson for Pacific Power with a micropenis-sized sense of humor:

“The temptation may be there for tittering, but we want to keep the lines as safe as possible.”

Other officials said there hasn’t been a groundswell of complaints. “Actually, most of the calls we’ve gotten lately have been from the media,” said Susan Barr, a worker at a Portland city and county call center, to the newspaper.

The Oregonian contacted a local sex toy boutique for women, She Bop, to see if they might have had a hand in this job.

Manager Amory-Jane Rogers said the store doesn’t carry the types seen around town, and denied any connection. Still, she won’t look a one-eyed gift-snake in the mouth.

“It’s kind of cute that when people think of dildos, they think of us,” she said.